walking out of a bad movie – or a bad relationship

Thursday 18 August 1664

Dined alone at home, my wife going to-day to dine with Mrs. Pierce, and thence with her and. Mrs. Clerke to see a new play, “The Court Secret.”
My wife says the play she saw is the worst that ever she saw in her life
.

My own wife and I slightly differ on whether to stay watching a bad movie. I’m normally out after 10 minutes whereas she wants to see it through to the end to see what happens. It is seldom that we see anything either a movie or on the TV which is so bad that she wants to turn it off though of course it does happen.

I walk out of media events because watching them actually does me damage. if I see no point at all to the script, or find the language so unremittingly foul or the violence for violences sake above a certain level, or sexual depravity below a certain level I do not stay for my own sake. Why should I allow myself to be violated? I have one of these minds that never forgets an image. I must have trillions of memories in picture form and they never leave me. I guess we are all like this but I feel myself particularly afflicted in this way.

Having said all that, I seldom go to shows that are bad because I look at the excellent IMDB which is the equivalent of Trip Adviser but for movies.

I suppose one could say the same thing about walking out on relationships. I think normally one can tell if a relationship is not going well. There is a certain awkwardness, a certain silence, a certain artificiality which makes social intercourse that much more difficult – forced you might say. Sometimes I did not want to share my concerns with the other  person perhaps not knowing that they were feeling just the same thing and didn’t want to hurt my feelings. Excessive analysis of the relationship is another sign of its sterility as opposed to a match of souls were no words are required.

There is an important point in that perhaps the only way you could have learned a lesson about yourself is  by having a relationship with someone. No relationship is so bad that you can say you learned nothing from it. Was the lesson to stand up for yourself? Was the lesson that you underestimated your own uniqueness and ability? Was the lesson that you can be independent in your own right as a beautiful person? The only dumb thing you can do is to repeat yourself, attracting the same type of person time after time. That’s probably a childhood damage thing and needs looking at.

How to finish a relationship? I think it would be more honest to say how to confirm finally that relationship is over when it’s been obvious for some time. For what it’s worth, I feel that personal attacks and comparisons do not really help. The point is, you chose the person in the first place. There must have been something about  them to attract you.

There are three factors; person A, person B, and the circumstances that they are in. Very often it is the circumstances that determine the viability of a relationship for example living too far away from each other or a career situation that is incompatible with spending quality time together.   In my time giving advice and counselling  to other people I found in many cases the lack of finishing cleanly with the previous relationship cast a certain cloud. The person just freshly out of a relationship was trying to heal themselves by having another relationship and this compensatory factor does not necessarily bode well for clarity and honesty.

If you feel you need to draw to a close, my suggestion  is that you first of all give thanks silently for all the good times you have had together. That is something that no one can ever take away. Be kind. “I do not feel that the relationship is going to help our development” is much kinder than saying “I am finally fed up the way you pick your nose or the way you are late for our dates without giving an excuse”. Abuse that you throw at other people normally bounces back to you and carries on bouncing back that is the trouble. Some things do not need to be said.

Summary: be honest, be true to yourself, be kind, don’t apportion blame.

You will find that after the break life still goes on, the sun continues to rise, your old friends are probably there for you. Self-pity leads nowhere and just extends the period of recovery.  A word of caution – there is only one in 650 chance of getting the right person through a dating bureau and this is because almost everyone who applies is on the rebound  from another relationship and two rebounds do not make a right.

I have always said to my clients that there is safety in numbers and when you have a new boyfriend or girlfriend don’t drop your other friends but keep your social circle going, an easier task these days what with social media.  I also ask my clients what they want in a relationship that they can’t get through having a good social life. If you want a relationship through fear of loneliness that in itself is not a very good ground for starting one.

I say to people, look at the way your potential partner treats other people. Anyone can sweet talk and individual and tell you that you’re the greatest thing since sliced bread but how socially minded are they really? If they are in this category they are much more likely to offer you a stable and outgoing relationship rather than something that is possessive and exclusive.

Frieda and Diego

I have noticed that people in stable and long-lasting relationships have a belief in common, it doesn’t have to be a belief in God or any faith but a lifestyle or a tendency. For example if two people are interested in art and one is a potter and one is a painter  that gives a nice basic outlet for creativity both individually and severally but there are glorious exceptions. Think of Frieda Kahlo and Diego Rivera. Here was a fiery relationship if ever there was one but never a dull moment. You pays your money you takes your choice

I could ramble on for ever about the topic but in closing I would say the most common thing that people have said to me is “I wish I had followed my intuition”.  I think the most important thing is to get married to yourself, to accept and love yourself and the rest is a bonus.

Indeed

See next diary for part II of today.

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