If your social circumstances are different from your wishes then why not change them.

The sort of social life you prefer depends on your personality type more than you might realize so an introvert person might wish to spend a lot of time on their own with themselves and be quite happy.

Others who like to be the life and soul of party need frequent social stimulus with the quantity being secondary to numbers. The buzz and the noise is what appeals.

…..Not to me! I don’t even like background music.

Last week I had my second birthday bash, the first one was my 80th birthday. People who came all agreed that it was a great success so what is the formula?

I only invite people that I feel comfortable with i.e those who are on roughly the same wavelength. I have developed pretty good  antenna which may be partly an instinctive thing where I just ‘know’ that someone will fit in with my other party guests.

However, I find that any number of guests over a dozen can change the nature of a party or occasion to something less intimate and family-like. My decision from now on is to have a maximum of 12 guests plus myself and Francoise.

There is PLENTY of scope. Amongst 12 people if you define a conversation as taking place between you plus up to three other people how many permutations and combinations are there. …..So, 781 is the answer.

If each grouping interacts for 20 minutes talking 8 hours a day it would take 32 days’ worth to complete the conversations.  ..and you are worried about filling a few hours??.

Historically we found that creating a buffet for 15 or 16 people is a very time and energy consuming thing and although we like it, we feel it should be the exception rather than the rule.

My decision is to have more frequent parties or occasions,  always on a Sunday, and I will call them ‘Sunday Cream Teas’. I think this banner has a better image than a ‘party’ which can mean anything from a political party, a dinner party, a risqué party, and has so many meanings

It’s a bit like the *Rorschach ink blot test. It’s almost a waste of time using the term ‘party’. I quite like the term  ‘gathering’ which is what it is.

* The Rorschach inkblot test, a projective psychological test, was invented by Hermann Rorschach,  a Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst. He developed the test in the 1920s, publishing his book “Psychodiagnostik” in 1921, which detailed the test and its use.

So my plan is this: I’m going to have Sunday cream teas every couple of months or so. During my wanderings around I will use my antenna to decide who is on my wavelength and who it would be fun to meet with  socially.

Because it is a group setting you don’t need a chat up line or anything like that so my approach is more or less the same with males and females both as individuals and in couples. I just say for example ‘I have social gatherings from time to time and I’d love to invite you to the next one’.

I don’t have any difficulty getting their contact details from them.

So you will say to me that you only know one or two people and I would say – think carefully, in work and play and locally you surely know more than that. They can be perfectly normal ordinary people in your neighborhood but if they have had an interesting life, have a  sense of humour, and like people, then you have a potential hit.

If you change your focus of mind and look out for people who are interesting characters you may find that the list grows quicker than you think. You are in control. People love to talk and not feel alone.

People love to be listened to.

Your living room does not have to be fancy. So long as it is clean, has an assortment of chairs, sofas or settees as you may wish to call them then that’ll do. It’s ;take as you find; and I think Brits are pretty good at the sort of thing. NB Make a sign where to the toilet is. Good idea to ask people to remove their shoes.

Try and invite different types of people and remember maximum 12 but it can work with as little as six people. Four can be too intense. Beware of inviting a friend of a friend, because that person might be a hanger on and not really an addition to the occasion. 

On my party days I  leave the front door open and people come in around the advertised time and they introduce themselves around. I will draw out one or two guests by drawing attention to something interesting they have done recently and the conversation flows from that point on.

It is most important – I believe anyway – to meet indoors where the acoustics are good. If you meet outside or in a place that is too big, your voice cannot be heard and the moment of meaningful contact may be lost.

People have had good and bad initial experiences of a party or occasion and it is very important that you put a sign outside the house such as a balloon and they will know that they are in the right place at the right time.

I ask guests to come between 1.45 pm and 2 pm. You will get the odd latecomer but normally that is for reasons other than lack of conscientiousness.

Your job as host is more or less finished before the  occasion starts because you have invited the right people and set the scene.

Do trust your intuition on this one and it will not let you down.

About a week before the event I send out to everyone  a list of guests with something about them for example their occupation or things they have done. This is a huge ice breaker before they even step in the door.

They can bring an item of food as in potluck supper but frankly it’s easy to provide the basics at a Sunday afternoon tea party for example tea, scones,  clotted cream,  jam and sandwiches if you like plus a delicious chocolate cake or some such. You may need to order the scones from your local friendly baker. They are time consuming to make.

Anyway, think about it and have a go. The worst that can happen is nothing.

PS  I came across this on reddit

Do people actually enjoy the party scene? Is it ever truly rewarding?

I feel that I don’t really “get” much of the social nuance that goes with being in your early 20s. Especially in the party scene. I used to be an active member of this scene, but it was to run from my traumas and fill a void. I would often still feel empty at the end of a night after partying.

Now that I’ve been in therapy, and have much more distance from the party version of myself, I’m having a hard time understanding and connecting with my peers who are so invested in it. I was certain people would be “over” this lifestyle, but so many people have continued to stay in it. When l do go to parties/drinking functions, I find people’s behavior shallow, dramatic, and confusing. I find it hardest to connect with others when everyone’s drinking.

Maybe it’s because i don’t do as well with the superficial things. As messed up as this sounds, it’s the hardest with other girls. i just feel like people switch off their authenticity and become lemmings, and women more so than men.

But of course if I get too in depth with a man at a party they think I’m flirting. Sometimes I wonder if I have autism, but everyone I ask in my life doesn’t think so. And I tend to do fine with one on one conversation.

Do people actually enjoy the party scene in a sustainable way? How do you build true friendships while in this scene? Am I just a weirdo who can’t connect with people/being overly sensitive?

response

I’ve never enjoyed the party scene. I was forced by my family yesterday to attend my niece’s sweet 15 at a banquet hall & I really REALLY didn’t wanna go. I just feel so uncomfortable & don’t know what to talk to people about. I tried leaving early, but my family made me stay longer. I wanted to hide under the table & not have to talk to anyone.