I found this on NextDoor.co.uk, a quote by Helen Mirren the actress.
“Before you argue with someone, ask yourself, is that person even mentally mature enough to grasp the concept of a different perspective. Because if not, there’s absolutely no point. Not every argument is worth your energy. Sometimes, no matter how clearly you express yourself, the other person isn’t listening to understand—they’re listening to react.
They’re stuck in their own perspective, unwilling to consider another viewpoint, and engaging with them only drains you. There’s a difference between a healthy discussion and a pointless debate. A conversation with someone who is open-minded, who values growth and understanding, can be enlightening—even if you don’t agree.
But trying to reason with someone who refuses to see beyond their own beliefs? That’s like talking to a wall. No matter how much logic or truth you present, they will twist, deflect, or dismiss your words, not because you’re wrong, but because they’re unwilling to see another side.
Maturity isn’t about who wins an argument—it’s about knowing when an argument isn’t worth having. It’s realizing that your peace is more valuable than proving a point to someone who has already decided they won’t change their mind. Not every battle needs to be fought.
Not every person deserves your explanation. Sometimes, the strongest thing you can do is walk away—not because you have nothing to say, but because you recognize that some people aren’t ready to listen. And that’s not your burden to carry.”
I can take poetic license and offer this as an alternative:
Before you speak, pause and see—
Is their mind open, or locked with a key?
Some hear not to learn, but to defend,
Their walls too high for truth to bend.
Not every clash deserves your flame,
Not every voice seeks truth, not fame.
A heart that listens, even in strife,
Can spark new thought, can breathe new life.
But some are stone, unmoved by grace,
They twist your words, refuse to face.
Maturity knows when to let go,
When silence speaks what words can’t show.
Your peace is gold, your time is art—
Don’t cast it where it breaks your heart.
The strongest stance, the wisest way,
Is knowing when to walk away.
For some reason I find the above poetry much easier to digest and I wonder whether we should consider the ways in which we complain about something or take issue with someone.
The first way is by visually expressing what we feel by our facial expression. We can glower at someone or frown. The origin of the word glower:Â We send this word, glower, out to the glaring grumps, the scowling scoundrels, and the pouting pessimists of the world. Its gloomy roots grow in Scotland, where glower (or glowren, to use the older Scottish form of the word) has been used since the late Middle Ages.
Originally, the word meant simply “to look intently” or “to stare in amazement,” but by the late 1700s, glowering stares were being associated with anger instead of astonishment.
I often glower when a person behind me is rattling their bag or making a noise at a concert. I must be quite good at it because it normally has the intended effect
One step up from this is ‘having a word’. Excuse me would you mind not doing this. I noticed that this request is not often made with any degree of grace rather a grudging compliance
However a further step up is when you have a fundamental difference of opinion and you know the other person. . The matter may not concern you directly, it could be about politics and this is where you need your wits about you because if you make your point to a compliant person they will agree with you just to keep the peace but if you discuss something with an argumentative person you can imagine that there’s going to be a lot of shouting and dismissal without any movement forward.
A good sign that people have run out of constructive things to say is when they use the ad hominem approach. in other words attacking your character rather than answering to the contentions made so it appeals to feelings or prejudices rather than to the intellect. Tat is alas where many discussions start and finish.
I’ve emphasized this in previous writings but the environment plays a key factor in the success of an argument or discussion. In other words if you’re driving a car with your wife and two children you don’t start talking about something important which you both disagree about.
Also you do need a minimum intellectual capacity. When I was in Bridport there was a very disturbed lady muttering to herself furiously as she walked along the high street in shoes that made a lot of noise and that would be a complete waste of time to engage.
When I speak to someone and I’m not sure about the level of their understanding of abstract concepts but as soon as they open their mouth I can can get a pretty good evaluation of their capacity and I slant any further comments accordingly. This comes with practice.
Another group of people to avoid is those who are obviously in a hurry and stressed and are in the act of doing something. I know it sounds very obvious but I have to mention it for completeness.
Also as they say, there is a time and a place for everything and if you get the time wrong and the place wrong however eloquently your address is to the problem that you’ll probably not get very far.
I reckon the most non-confrontational way of opening a discussion is by asking a question such as ‘ how do you feel the government is treating the doctors’. This is an opening gambit that cannot be answered by yes or no so it focuses the mind of the other person without threatening them.
Helen is correct in the article when she says that not every person deserves your explanation. As you must know at nauseum I speak to anyone with a pulse when I’m walking around in public but I have learned to look in the eyes of the person to see whether there is anybody at home and if not I just bless them and leave them.
Yesterday I saw someone with a mask at the Clutton Fayre who was fully masked up so that her whole face was covered except for dark glasses. She is living completely in fear, for no rational person would protect themselves in such a claustrophobic environment when you are simply recycling bad air into your lungs. I would simply keep well away from such people.
I would also not go anywhere near people who are self obsessed, I call them Karens.
I’m looking for people with that look of caring and love in their eyes and after having done this thousands of times I could tell you that it is possible.
Maybe the best way of introducing a subject is by not introducing it but engaging in general conversation where people feel comfortable with what you’re saying otherwise if you launch straight into a contentious subject they will feel attacked and will respond accordingly
Anyway that’s my two penny worth. If anyone wants to respond you can see the ‘comments below’ section and I will be very glad to hear from you
Brian
