I have known my friend D. for quite a number of years and first met him shortly after I moved to Somerset a dozen or so years ago. From time to time we have a catch up which this time (surprise surprise) was in Wetherspoons on the high street here in Midsomer Norton where we had breakfast.

Zoom meetings or telephone calls are in a different league. There is nothing like face to face whether it is eating breakfast or sipping a glass of wine . It’s interesting to analyze my own talking and see if there’s anything I can learn.

We both agreed that learning takes place on a daily basis and in my case I can say that the desire to learn has if anything increased.

When I have not met someone face to face for some time I have a whole list of topics that I want to discuss and me being a Gemini – basically with an overactive mind – the poor listener has to put up with me changing the subject before they have scarcely finished responding to the first topic.

I have introduced the idea of saying ‘ new paragraph’ which helps the transition somewhat.

How are you?

I wonder whether it is a mistake or a waste of time to say, how are you? Because that will inevitably bring a stereotyped response except when you know someone very well and can rely on them to answer your question truthfully.

I often ask this question of strangers and I listen to the tone of voice. If there is an abrupt change of tone or hesitation I will joke and tell them that that’s a 5 out of 10 and normally they laugh and agree with me and tell me what has happened in their life to make this so. 

I do suggest an abandonment of ‘how are you’ except in the most formal circumstances where the only response expected and required is to say ‘I’m fine’. I wonder whether we could change this question to something like ‘ how are things working for you these days’ which does not require yes or no but some creativity in responding.

We belonged to a Vineyard group before it was trashed by incompetent management on the regional level. My friend now belongs to a church in South Bath that is very much full-on with the gospel, singing, praying, waving your arms.

As those of you that have read my diaries will know, I have chosen the other end of the spectrum which is an old Baptist church in the middle of nowhere where there are about a dozen  of us and we meet once a month for a simple service of singing hymns, a lesson, a prayer or two, and an address

Why go to church if you feel uncomfortable?.

I think it is important not to attend an event where you don’t feel comfortable for whatever reason because if you don’t feel at ease you will not fully take part and maybe do yourself more harm than good. It is worth having a look at the etymology of the word worship.

In middle English it meant ‘ I respect, Honor, fame’ the condition of being worthy, giving dignity, glory, honor and renown. It is also reverence paid or due to a supernatural or divine being.

The original sense is preserved in the word ‘worshipful ‘which particularly in the city of London can apply to any group of companies such as the livery company Carmen, Information Technologies would you believe, World Traders, Drapers, The Worshipful Company of Actuaries.

Worshipful is the compound of ‘worth’+’-ship’+’-full’, meaning “being fully worthy”, in this sense meaning “the best people for the job”. 

I had a small discussion about the people I relate best with and in the process of speaking I realized that it was the honest people that I could get on the best when even if they are failures in one sense or another or should we say not completely successful if they are honest then something draws me to them.

I cannot cope with window dressing or superficial ‘behavior to impress ‘as it does not get to the heart of the person and I find that the quantum entanglement is minimal.

The main reason I find people boring is that they are not authentic. Give me authenticity any day of the week and I will find something meaningful to talk about because their qualities spark off my own authentic qualities and we can have a good engagement even though it may be a little bit untidy.

So, taking this analogy into the Christian people I have something to do with, I definitely get on well with some better than others and I’m sure it’s the honesty because although we are told to take each other aside privily when we have differences, certain people do not do so for the sake of appearances, or shame, or fear or vanity.

This is a pity because everybody loses out.

Let’s say I have a particular problem. Unbeknown to me the person standing next to me has had a similar problem and has overcome it, they would be delighted to share the experience. They will learn through articulating their thoughts  and I would learn through listening, plus what a delight to find that two people who didn’t know each other very well now having something in common.

I’m sure that’s what binds people together in Alcoholics Anonymous group for example.

So my test of friendship or future friendships is ‘can I be myself’, and ‘can I talk honestly to people without fear of ridicule’.

The art of listening

This brings us to another question and that is the art of listening. As I’ve said many times before there are very few natural listeners in the world. You don’t have to like people to love them and listening or let us say entertaining someone’s point of view is part of love and caring.

It is vital to give someone the chance to speak without interruption because in uttering, their brain can work out what it thinks as they start to engage. The speaker is probably blissfully unaware of this process.

It is very unlikely that we will change someone’s behavior by telling them they can do better but it is likely that we can cause a long-term effect by making suggestions and planting seeds. Anything else is intrusion. 

The ‘I know better than you’ has one major fault attached to it.

I am not you, so if you say if I were you that is a logical impossibility.  We have enough people ordering us about without adding to it. As a friend I feel like and best serve someone if I give them the opportunities to speak about whatever they want to speak about without any type of judgment.

I have found this easier in recent times because I have realized that there are as many universes as there are people and we all have an instinctive duty of care to make ourselves comfortable in whatever circumstances we are in.

This will include having differing views on certain things especially religion and politics and more latterly co*id.

I cannot think of anyone who has changed my views because of something they said  but I can think of plenty of people who have sown seeds in my mind and caused me to react or move forward maybe weeks, months or years later. Maybe not at all.

They would probably never know they had instigated such a change.

That’s part of the magic of human relationships.

I was a little bit embarrassed how long it took me to learn certain basic lessons. Here am at 80 years of age plus still learning like a novice. Incidentally I had decided to make my eighth decade the time of living and life that I did not live as a teenager.

My time as an isolated son of a Church of England vicar – when that meant something – were unremittingly lonely. I had to build up my own life in my head and become independent and in a way I suppose I can thank this lonely phase.

I remember I had no idea about how to treat girls how to have a boy’s night out, and generally enjoy myself.

I’m sure I can learn something from other people’s experience about the art of conversation. 

To say the right thing at the right time, keep still most of the time.
John Roper

To listen closely and reply well is the highest perfection we are able to attain in the art of conversation
Francois de la Rochefoucald

I happen to disagree with the well entrenched theory that the art of conversation is merely the art of being a good listener. Such advice invites people to be cynical with one another and full of fake, when a conversation becomes a monologue, poked along with tiny cattle prod questions, it isn’t a conversation anymore
Barbara Walters

the art of conversation is to be prompt without being stubborn, to refute without argument, and to clothe great matters in a motley garb 
Benjamin Disraeli

One often reads about the art of conversation-how it’s dying or what’s needed to make it flourish, or how rare good ones are. But wouldn’t you agree that the infinitely more valuable rara avis [rare bird] is a good listener.
Malcolm Forbes

When you’re at dinner with somebody and they are on their phone. I think there’s that lost art of conversation and so I just always try to keep my phone far away from me when I’m with people. 
Austin Butler

Protocol of using a mobile phone in public is another story so let’s get onto that some other time – Ed.