Me: I have a friend of long standing who disappears off the face of the earth for months at a time and then returns to me when he needs something. I’m fed up with this switch-on-switch-off mentality because the main thing about friendship to me is continuity, and I’m not getting it in his case
AI – I think you’ve put your finger on something fundamental about friendship: continuity is one of the things that gives a friendship its meaning.
What you’re describing is a relationship in which your friend seems to regard you as someone he can put on a shelf for several months, then take down again whenever the need arises. Meanwhile, you’re expected to resume the friendship as though nothing has happened.
There are several aspects to this that I think are worth considering.
1. Friendship is not simply a matter of convenience. A genuine friendship involves some degree of mutual interest, consideration and commitment. It doesn’t require constant communication, but it does require a sense that the other person remains present in your life.
2. There is a difference between independence and indifference. Some people are naturally intermittent communicators. They disappear into their own worlds and reappear months later. That isn’t necessarily malicious. But when someone consistently reappears only because they want something, the relationship begins to look transactional rather than reciprocal.
3. The absence of continuity destroys trust. You cannot easily build upon previous conversations, shared experiences or emotional understanding when the relationship is repeatedly interrupted. Every reappearance feels almost like starting again.
4. Long-standing friendship does not create an unlimited obligation. The fact that you’ve known someone for many years doesn’t mean you must indefinitely accept a pattern of behaviour that leaves you feeling undervalued.
My suggestion would be to tell him, without accusation, something along these lines:
I’ve valued our friendship over the years, but there’s something I find increasingly difficult. You disappear for months at a time and then suddenly reappear, often when you need something. For me, friendship is about continuity, mutual interest and keeping in touch, even if only occasionally. I find this switching on and off rather unsatisfactory, and I’m no longer comfortable with it.
There is also a deeper question here.
Perhaps what you regard as friendship, he regards as a connection. You see something that should be cultivated and maintained; he sees something that can be resumed whenever convenient.
Neither of you necessarily has to be a bad person for this mismatch to exist. But you are entitled to decide what kind of friendship you want.
I’m interested in one particular detail: when he reappears after several months, does he show any genuine curiosity about how you’ve been and what’s happening in your life, or does he move fairly quickly to whatever he wants from you?
That distinction would tell us quite a lot.
Me: He asks me how I am in a formulaic way but returns to his own theme of how he is
AI that tells me quite a lot. It suggests that his enquiry about your welfare is more of a social courtesy than an expression of genuine curiosity.
What you seem to be describing is an asymmetrical friendship. You are interested in him as a person, whereas his interest in you appears to be largely connected with what you can provide, whether that is attention, sympathy, advice or practical assistance.
There is an important distinction between being listened to and being used as an audience.
In a genuine friendship, both people have room to express themselves. There is a natural exchange of thoughts, experiences and feelings. One person may occasionally need more attention than the other, but over time there is a reasonable balance.
Your friend’s behaviour seems to follow a recurring pattern:
He disappears for months without maintaining contact.
He returns when something is happening in his life.
He makes a token enquiry about your welfare.
The conversation quickly becomes centred on himself.
Once his immediate need has been satisfied, the relationship goes dormant again.
Of course, we cannot know whether this is deliberate selfishness or simply a lack of awareness. But the effect upon you is much the same.
I would be inclined to stop investing more energy in the relationship than he does. Not as a punishment, but as a recognition of what the friendship has become.
There is a phrase that comes to mind:
“Some people want the benefits of friendship without accepting the responsibilities of friendship.”
And I think continuity is one of those responsibilities.
But I want to ask you something slightly more searching.
When he reappears, do you find yourself welcoming him back because of the friendship you once had, rather than because of the friendship you actually have today?
I suspect that distinction may be at the heart of your frustration.
When someone says, “I’ve been meaning to call you,” what they are effectively saying is that the thought crossed their mind but never became sufficiently important to act upon.
Once or twice, that is perfectly understandable. Life gets in the way. But when it becomes a repeated pattern over months or years, the explanation begins to wear thin.
There is also something subtly irritating about that phrase. It invites you to give the person credit for an intention that was never translated into action.
Good intentions are not the same as maintaining a friendship.
I suspect what particularly bothers you is not simply the absence of telephone calls. It is the implied assumption that you will always be available whenever he decides to resume contact.
You value friendship as something living and continuous, something that grows through regular contact and mutual interest. He appears to treat it as something that can be switched off and on without consequence.
I would suggest that you don’t necessarily need to end the friendship. You might simply reclassify it in your own mind. Instead of regarding him as a close friend, regard him as a long-standing acquaintance with whom you occasionally have contact. That way, your expectations become more realistic.
There is one thing I am curious about, however.
When you challenge him by saying, “Well, why didn’t you then?” how does he respond? Does he offer an explanation, become defensive, laugh it off, or simply change the subject?
